I’m still bleeding from your absence. Walking away from you wasn’t easy but it was necessary. I had never imagined myself walking away from you because of how much I loved you but the sad reality was my love didn’t mean much to you like it did to me. And to be honest I don’t blame you. I got tired of the inconsistencies, the 'I love yous today' and 'I don’t love yous tomorrow'. 

I never knew how intoxicated I was until I freed myself from you. Walking away wasn’t easy and there were days I wished I could walk back to your life and pretend that we were fine even though we weren’t. But how much longer did I want to live in a fairytale instead of the real thing? How much longer would I have to keep up with the wishful thinking? 

I loved you so much to the extent I made excuses for all the red flags that were evidently there but I chose to ignore them and gave you chance after chance. But it’s true about what they say about chances... the more chances you give a person the less respect they’ll give you.

Walking away made me realize how stupid I was to beg you for the things I should have been receiving freely. It made me realize that I should always follow my gut instincts and never ignore the red flags. It made me realize to never create illusions inside my head and paint over something that’s already in black and white.

It wasn’t easy walking away because I felt like I was losing a part of me but what I didn’t realize was I had already lost a part of me in the process of keeping you.

I’m not trying to put the blame on you because I also played a role in this too.

From the beginning, I told you about my demons and my darkest truths and you promised to never take me back to that dark road but look where you left me.... on the same road you promised not to take me back to. I guess you couldn’t keep your promises.

I’m that person that doesn’t throw words around like they’re nothing so you have to understand that when I said I loved you and I’d be always there for you I truly meant it. 

To be honest even when I’m writing this I still do love you but I rather love you from a distance. I’ve never loved a guy the way I loved you and I’m not sure I’ll ever love anyone the way I loved you but there’s a possibility I might do but I don’t want to live life romanticizing about it. 

You ripped my heart to millions of pieces and putting them back hasn’t been an easy task but I’m taking it one day at a time. Frankly speaking, there was a point I hated you more than I loved you because the memories were unbearable. A point where I regretted ever meeting you and ever loving you but what good does that do? You were a lesson that I had to learn the hardest. You were an experience that’ll be unforgettable and a source of reference. I had to embrace the pain in order to learn how to move on.

Moving on hasn’t been easy because you left me feeling incomplete, made me second guess myself because of the inconsistencies. You made me look at myself in the mirror different. You left me with a hole in my heart deeper than the ocean. 

You made me question everything I was told and drive myself crazy by overthinking everything. 
I wish I could make you feel the pain I’m feeling so we could be equal. I want you to feel how it feels to have your heart ripped from you multiple times without a care in the world. I want you to feel that incruciating pain that I felt. I hate that I love you. But losing you was a blessing because it was the start of loving myself. 

By Naliaka.