Stuck between wanting to feel that type of love again  and not wanting to feel that type of hurt again. The battle between my mind and heart is unending. I am so used to building walls greater than the wall of China, so used to closing my heart every time I had a bad experience. But whilst I am closing my heart I’m not allowing myself to let go of the things that hurt me and let it in new and better things. Choosing the wrong people over the years has made me question my ability to choose the right people. But sometimes it’s hard to know who you’re truly allowing in your life because some people come clothed in all things that seem perfect to you. But the devil too gives you what you desire. 

Past hurt made me close my heart and never allow anyone close to it. I become so defensive that I push everyone to protect it. But this act of defense has made me push away those that love me including my family and in the end hurting them. I’ve dwelled in my pain for so long that I doubt I know what happiness truly feels like. I’m so scared of people who show me light because I’m so used to darkness.

And that’s the tragedy of us humans. It’s not the darkness that frightens the most but the light. We don’t want to hold the hand that takes us from darkness to light, we don’t want to go from something we’ve known our whole life to unknown. 

I’ve always believed that my past was what made me who I am and that might be somehow true but I’m different from the old me. If I allowed what I experienced to define who I am as a person I think I wouldn’t want to meet that me. I’m grateful for my past but going back and forth with it isn’t really my cup of tea. 
So I choose to open my heart not only to allow love in but to also let go of pain. Letting go is hard trust me, especially letting go of someone you love but darling you can’t hold on to people or things that no longer serve a purpose in your life. In as much as I’m afraid of falling, I’m not going to deny my heart to feel. I’m not going to let people who aren’t ready to share love with me make me afraid of loving. I’m sorry to all those that I’ve pushed away but I hope you can understand why I did what I felt was right. 

Love is what can save us all but we can’t be so scared of it just because of our past hurt and deny it access to our lives. Love is what makes the world go round.