I wish this was easy to write but it’s not. Forgiving myself for such an atrocious act wasn’t as easy as reciting my ABCs. I spent months mentally torturing myself on why I did it. I tried to justified my actions and play the victim so I wouldn’t feel guilty about my actions but my guilty conscience tore me to pieces. 

I said I loved you so why did I do it? Saying I love you wasn’t something I wanted to say out of habit. I said I love you to remind you that my love was going to be your source of light to guide you out of darkness. I said I love you to remind you that you weren’t alone in this world. I said I love you to remind you that you were loved on days you felt less loved. I said I love you because I wanted to say those words and match my actions to it because you meant more to me than you could ever imagine. You were my best friend, my lover and my home. 

But love wasn’t enough but I wanted so badly for it to be. I got tired at some point, everyone has a breaking point you know! We were already at a rocky point in our love life and I was tired of the constant lies and inconsistencies. When we got separated from each other it tore my heart, you were my home and you being away left me cold and lonely. We promised each other that distance wouldn’t be a barrier and nothing would ever separate us. Argh! The lies we tell ourselves. 

The first two months of you being away were okay or so I thought because we still kept constant communication, our never ending FaceTime calls, our cheesy texts to each other. And all that made me feel like the distance between us wasn’t a bad thing after all . Then our communication started fading and the 'insecurities' kicked in. My mind started formulating a million different reasons why we were drifting away. 

Distance can be a nightmare trust me especially when everything seems to be falling apart. I couldn’t help but to feed myself with assumptions about how you must have already replaced me with someone who wasn’t even half the person I was. I began reliving everything you had done and it drove me crazy. If you had done it before what was stopping you from doing it again? 

It just took a single reply to a text that I thought was innocent to sign my act of betrayal. I had chosen to stoop to your level and I thought if I could hurt you like you did to me it would make it all better but it didn’t. Cheating isn’t my cup of tea but it still baffles me as to why I did it. Stuck in a generation where such an atrocious act is considered a norm I didn’t feel like it was a normal thing to do. Even if he didn’t find out what I did the guilt was unbearable. 

No one deserves to be cheated on because cheating destroys ones view on love and relationship. Getting revenge on a cheater makes it even worse. Just because someone wronged you doesn’t mean you should stoop to their level.