WHY AM I AFRAID TO TELL YOU WHO I AM?



I’ve always struggled with honesty despite my many attempts to be but frankly speaking it was difficult. Growing up in a dysfunctional family I had learnt how to brush my feelings under the rug because I didn’t think they were important. I learnt how to compartmentalize my feelings and painted a thick coat of pretty on every fear that besieged me. When asked how I was doing, the simple answer “fine” or “great” would ward off further inquisition.

I developed the ability to shine things up and spit polished every word that came from my mouth. There was a lot to worry about but I believed worrying was for the weak and that I was stronger than worry. So I locked my feelings in a box and threw the keys away because things were “fine”. 
False positivity was my strongest suit.

I didn’t even acknowledge anger, the anger that was slowly burning within me because I had never given it a voice. I held on to anger for as long as I could because it gave me a false sense of entitlement. If I let go of it I wouldn’t  have anything to hold onto.

It was easier placating everyone in order to get along with them. But while I was overly concerned about not hurting everyone with the truth I was sacrificing my soul. I became an incredible liar, I lied all the time and to everyone. 

Even though a lie about how I was feeling seemed insignificant, it wasn’t. Those lies were the most powerful and most damaging to my psyche because they continued to reaffirm to me that I didn’t matter. 

I started drinking alcohol whilst I was in my toxic relationship and depression was at its peak during that time. To escape my fraudulent life and mask my pain I let alcohol be my escape. 

I was going through darkness but I veneered my life in a way society wouldn’t tell if I was drowning or floating. I needed help but I didn’t have the courage to ask for it.

A couple of months of drowning my sorrow in alcohol, I finally had the courage to pull myself out of it before I ended up an alcoholic. It was a rollercoaster getting out, because alcohol had made me avoid confronting my feelings because I was too paralyzed by fear and overcome with sadness. But for how long was I going to run from myself? How long was I going to be scared of my feelings? I
had to allow myself feel the pain, the hurt, the betrayal, the anger in order to let go. To me that was the first step to healing. 

Despite everything I’d been through I still struggle with being honest about my feelings. The few times I’ve tried being honest, I was shun away and that was really hurtful and made me adamant to open up. The people who I was meant to be honest with were the ones afraid to listen because the truth was unbearable. 

As time goes on, it has become hard for me to open up and share my feelings. I can’t even tell the person I’m with that I have feelings for them because I’m too scared.The weight of bottling up my emotions has led me to anxiety and to be honest that has affected my health but that’s a story for another day. My inability to open up has put a smokescreen around my relationships. 

The truth is, no matter who you are or what you’ve been through it’s hard being vulnerable. 
I’ve learnt to let out a few things at a time and that has made me feel light enough to turn the page. Being a little bit honest about my feelings has helped me not to go through depression alone because I’ve allowed my friends to be there for me. 

We can’t keep up with a facade of happiness when we’re not because it’ll eventually wear off. Society will remind you that no one cares but trust me there’s someone who does. 

For me writing is my therapy and a way of allowing myself to be vulnerable to the world. 
If you want to tweet, post on the gram and snap about your feelings go ahead but don’t let society dictate what you can and can’t do. A close friend or family might show up even when you don’t have the courage to tell them what you’re going through in person. 

Don’t fight your feelings, if you want to cry go ahead and let the tears flow. Embrace your tears and don’t beat yourself up for crying. 
Seek help from people because how would they know you need them if you don’t give them a clue?

Faking happiness isn’t doing you good nor the people around you. 
This wasn’t easy for me to write because it’s something deep and personal to me but I hope this inspires you. No matter how you feel you are never alone. 
I’m still praying to be courageous about speaking my truth and even though it’s scary and hard I choose to be vulnerable so I can be authentic to the world and be true to myself. 

10 comments

  1. Once you conquer the enemy within, the enemy without can't do you any harm.
    💪

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  2. Once you conquer the enemy within, the enemy without can't do you any harm.
    💪

    ReplyDelete
  3. Once you conquer the enemy within, the enemy without can't do you any harm.
    💪

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm in love with this piece.It hits deep and makes reality smoother to let it out

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  5. That was very beautiful and it did inspire me to be more open and authentic. Because the truth is, no one can open up for you. At some point, we must all stop being afraid to simply be. That said, thank you for this article.

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    Replies
    1. I’m happy that I’ve inspired you 🥰. You’re welcome ❤️

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