Almost loving you was quite possibly the most painful experience of my life. It was most definitely more painful than getting my heart broken in many ways. To me almost is the saddest word in my dictionary. Being so close to something or someone and not actually attaining it can be infuriating.
You and I should’ve existed but we never did anyway. Right from the start I knew this wouldn’t end well. I knew I’d eventually have feelings for you and boy was I right.
I knew your past when I almost started loving you. I had seen how you treated women and how you needed constant validation in the arms of countless girls.
You told me things you claimed you never told any another woman and I believed you even though I’m still not sure it’s true.
I liked everything about you, how I felt at peace when I was with you, your sense of humor, your interesting life stories, your subtle arrogance, your being driven, your being supportive, your silly dance moves, your being sweet, your being you and most especially YOU.
Almost loving you felt lonely sometimes because deep down in my heart I knew my place and it was definitely not in your heart.
I felt I was getting close to loving you but you pulled away further and further from me but pushed me closer to God. The conversations I had with God that started off about you but turned into intimate, precious communion with HIM. So many heartfelt, transparent, raw, candid moments I shared with God all because I was driven to my knees to pray about you and for you.
You taught me that giving ones heart away is brave, regardless of whether or not the other person chooses to accept it. And that’s the beauty of UNCERTAINTY.
I almost loved you but I’m glad I didn’t because if I did I know it would’ve been one heck of a mess.
I didn’t love you but I almost did.
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